There's no other way to say it. It's a complete and total bitch. It's been a little over 3 years now since I've been off birth control and we started talking about a baby. I hate even admitting its been that long. It's the constant elephant in the room and why my blogging has cut back so much. I don't think anyone can truly understand how painful and isolating infertility can be unless they themselves have been through it. There's not a single day that goes by that I'm not reminded of my inadequacy as a woman. With every month that passes, I'm often left wondering what my purpose here on earth is.
My one Christmas wish this year was two pink lines. Today I got my period. I wanted so badly to make this the best Christmas for Jason and I yet. I had to take down all my friends Christmas cards off the fridge because its too painful to see all my friends and they're growing families during this holiday season. I must be masochistic because I'm compulsively checking Facebook and seeing Santa pictures with ruffled dresses and little bowties.
I so wish I could see the forest for the trees right now. Instead I see my next refilled prescription of my fourth round of Clomid sitting on my nightstand.
My friends try to support and encourage me, and don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the support, but at the same time I resent the pity. It's as if I don't realize that when friends are talking about life with their new little ones and then turn to ask about our new puppy, I don't realize what they're doing. I get it. Shoot, why do you think I wanted a puppy? We're doing our best to distract ourselves, "not stress" and "have fun with it" - but seriously when you're so hopped up on expensive hormones, taking temps every day, scheduling blood tests and peeing on an endless amount of test sticks to check your ovulation, how can you NOT think about it? I swear if one more person tells me that if I "adopt a baby then I'll end up pregnant, cause it happens to people all the time", I'll hit them. I don't want an adopted baby to feel like our Plan B. And neither one of us is quite ready for that yet.
There are many brave women out there that blog about this unspoken & taboo topic. They're women that have unknowingly encouraged me and made me feel less alone. I want my blog to be that for someone else, instead of only showing how perfect and fun our lives seem to appear all the time. To be honest it's been very hard and difficult on Jason and I. I often wonder what I did to deserve someone who has put up with so much over the last 7 years. I'm tired of pretending that its all sunshine and rainbows. I want to be real so that this blog can be an outlet for my real thoughts and emotions while on this journey of infertility. I'm not trying to air out my dirty laundry or expose anyone, but I'm too candid and honest of a person to put on a facade any longer.
If you feel like these blog entries get too negative at times, then please feel free to read elsewhere. I'm not blogging for anyone's entertainment, but for my own sanity.
Ahhhh... I actually do feel much better now.
Streams In The Desert - December 22
"A thick and dreadful darkness came over him." Genesis 15:12
In this Scripture passage, the sun had finally gone down, and the eastern night had swiftly cast its heavy veil over the entire scene. Worn out by the mental conflict, and the exertion and the cares of the day, Abraham "fell into a deep sleep". During his sleep, his soul was oppressed with "a thick and dreadful darkness," which seemed to smother him and felt like a nightmare in his heart.
Do you have an understanding of the horror of that kind of darkness? Have you ever experienced a terrible sorrow that seems difficult to reconcile with God's perfect love - a sorrow that comes crashing down upon you, wrings from your soul its peaceful rest in the grace of God, and casts it into a sea of darkness that is unlit by even one ray of hope? Have you ever experienced a sorrow caused by unkindness, when others cruelly mistreat your trusting heart, and you even begin to wonder if there is really a God above who sees what is happening yet continues to allow it? If you know this kind of sorrow, then you know something of this "thick and dreadful darkness."
Human life is made of brightness and gloom, shadows and sunshine, and dark clouds followed by brilliant rays of light. Yet through it all, God's divine justice is accomplishing His plan, affecting and disciplining each individual soul.
Dear friend, if you are filled with fear of the "thick and dreadful darkness" because of God's dealings with humankind, learn to trust His infallible wisdom, for it is equal to His unchanging justice. And know that He who endured the "dreadful darkness" of Calvary and the feeling of having been forsaken on the cross is ready to accompany you "through the valley of the shadow of death" until you can see the sun shining on the other side.
May we realize that "we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" and that "it enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain". And may we know that although it is unseen within His sanctuary, our anchor will be grounded and will never yield. It will hold firm until the day He returns, and then we too will follow it into the safe haven guaranteed to us in God's unchangeable Word - F.B. Meyer
The disciples thought that the angry sea separated them from Jesus. In fact, some of them thought something even worse - they thought that the trouble they were facing was a sign that He had forgotten them and did not care about them.
O dear friend, that is when your troubles can cause the most harm. The devil comes and whispers to you, "God has forgotten you" or "God has forsaken you," and your unbelieving heart cries out, as Gideon once did, "If the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us?" (Judges 6:13). God has allowed the difficulty to come upon you, in order to bring you closer to Himself. It has come not to separate you from Jesus but to cause you to cling to Him more faithfully, more firmly, and more simply. F.S. Webster
We should abandon ourselves to God more fully at those times when He seems to have abandoned us. Let us enjoy His light and comfort when it is His pleasure to give it to us, but may we not attach ourselves to His gifts. May we instead attach ourselves to Him, and when He plunges us into the night, where pure faith is required, may we still press on through the agonizing darkness.
Monday, December 17, 2012
This is my middle sister Kris. Isn't she gorgeous?
I like to call her - Kris-TIN. It's more fun.
She's always been much smaller than me and even when we were little I liked to pick her up like a rag doll and carry her around the back yard.
I mean honestly, how could you not want to pick that little Minnie up and not put her in your pocket?
Even though we're about as different as sisters could be, my mother was right in saying that my sisters would become my best friends.
We've traveled together, we've cried together, we've lived together and we've grown together. She inspires me to never give up on my dreams, as she's never given up on hers.
She's shown me how to care less about what others think and more about who I desire to be. She never settles for the status quo. And she's loyal to almost a fault.
I'm so happy to see her being treated and loved the way she deserves to be. Amir has been awesome to have in her life and sees her for the treasure she truly is.
Sister, I hope you have a wonderful day and it pains me that I can't be there to celebrate with you.
I admire you, I love you and I miss you.
(aka Grandma Scribbles)
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
17 months ago we met these two cuties. They happened to be walking by and noticed Jason working on the front sidewalk and asked if they could watch. Little did we know that this was the beginning of not only a beautiful friendship, but also of a greater understanding of what it means to love like Jesus loved.
On February 17, just 7 months after we met them, Larry lost his father. He finished out the school year at his Grandparents house and then the courts decided he needed to live with his Aunt across town. Within a week or so, Jonique moved away to the projects with her mother, step-daddy and baby sister.
Let's just say, I cried a lot.
I had hoped and prayed that God didn't bring these kids into our lives for such a short time to only have them leave again.
Thankfully, that hasn't been the case. The first weekend of every month Larry & Jonique spend the weekend with their grandparents, which means they also spend it with us. I intentionally keep that weekend free and wait with anticipation for that 8am knock on the door Saturday morning. Somteimes Larry shows up in sweats with a bowl of cereal in hand. And other times he shows up before breakfast, hangs out and has a little coffee with us, then runs home to grab breakfast and come back.
And occasionally, he calls us mom & dad.
Jason and I have longed to be parents for a very long time. And until that day comes, God has so blessed us to have the opportunity to spiritually father & mother kids that desperately need it. I believe we've grown and benefited from these relationships, maybe more than they have. I have a greater understanding of what it means to not just talk about living as Jesus did, but actually doing it. And that the only true way of reaching someone and showing them who Jesus is - is through relationship.
The picture above of Jason and the kids was taken last Saturday at the Rivergate Skate Center. Larry asked that we do something fun to celebrate his 13th birthday (which is actually on the 14th), but because he was at Grandma's last weekend, we celebrated it then. Jason and I piled up the neighborhood kids into 2 cars and headed out to Rivergate and for 3 hours we all had a blast. I had made carrot cake cupcakes (per Larry's request) and we had pizza, nachos and coke. I even put on some skates myself and took a few laps! It's amazing what I'll do for these kids. :-)
This isn't the most flattering pic, but it's the only one I have of the 3 of us AND Jonique took it, so I couldn't hurt her feelings by saying it wasn't good enough. And really, in the large scheme of things - is what matters how we look or the relationship it signifies?
After skating, we all headed back to our house to watch a Christmas movie and play some games on the iPad. Around 7:30 the kiddos headed home and were anxious to start all over the next day.
Sunday, after Jason and I went to church and had some lunch, I had picked up my friend Robbie to help me work on some sugar cookie dough that Larry had also requested for his birthday. Within a few minutes we had 2 girls cutting out sugar cookies in the dining room, Robbie (my sweet gay friend that I work with) and I in the kitchen baking and frosting cookies and then 2 boys and Jason in the living room playing games on the iPad. And to top it all off, within a short time Larry's mom Sonya showed up at our front door with Larry's cousin Tootie. So naturally I invited them in as well. It was actually a really awesome thing because over the last 17 months Sonya and I hadn't spoken more than 2 words to each other and here she was in my dining room for almost 2 hours sharing with me about God working in her life, what she learned at church that morning and about her 1 year anniversary coming up in March of being clean.
God is big.