Thursday, April 22, 2010

Total Honesty, So Brace Yourself

I haven't been much for blogging lately because the things that consume my mind were not really issues I was ready to talk about. I've been struggling so much emotionally and mentally with my body image and overall mood. A year or so ago I was on a low dose of Lexapro which made me feel so much better and much less moody and anxious, but as a result I put on 15 pounds. Jason and I always said that we would want to have a good 5 years together before we started trying to have a family and so last fall I made it my goal to wean myself off of the different medications I was taking like the Lexapro and birth control so I would be in a healthier place. But not long after came this rush of emotional heaviness once again combined with the extra weight and some horrible acne (like 13 year old puberty acne). After a rough few months and a blood test I was finally diagnosed this week with PCOS, which also explains some of the weight gain, the acne and depression I've been dealing with. Of course my doctors immediate response is to put me back on more types of medication to control it, which is the last thing I really want to do. So in my spare time I've been trying to research vitamins, supplements and herbs to rebalance my hormones and get me back on track.

Through all of this I have not been the most fun person to be around. And I feel horrible about it too. My poor husband works so hard pulling double duty by working two full time jobs and I feel like whenever he's around me I'm always stressed, grumpy or irritable. He tries so hard to lift my spirits or make me laugh, and sometimes it really helps and for a moment I forget the mountain looming right in front of me. Sometimes I can't help but think that he got the short end of the deal by choosing me, that I'll never be able to be the wife that he deserves. It doesn't help that now that I've caught the baby bug that I'm so much more aware of how my friends continue to easily get pregnant and have child after child moving on with growing their families. And I for some reason can't help but feel like I'm just struggling to feel normal and have my body for once work right for me.

So there's my honesty in all its glory - I don't have some fluffy and fun blog to post about how life is grand and I'm daydreaming about flowers, puppies, drive-ins and long summer days. Moment by moment my cry is that God would meet me, help me to focus on the positive, love my husband deeply, trust fully, be grateful for everything and keep trying.

7 comments:

Emily said...

So sorry to hear about all that you are dealing with right now. I can definitely relate to feeling like your body has let you down! I'll be thinking and praying for you guys.

Kate Barnette said...

Kim, I keep hearing of a lot of women having this. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been hypothyroid for 15 years now and totally understand the crazy hormone thing. At least now you know what's going on with your body and are able to further understand it, right?

I know when my hormones are whacked and I'm feeling down, a B50 complex helps. I'm interested to know what vitamins are suggested for you to take. Hang in there. God's timing is perfect! I'm praying for you.

Holli said...

First of all, you are GORGEOUS.... I just thought I would tell you that. I've thought it since I first started reading your blog and I would think to myself... man, I wish I had her hair! LOL But I know that what truly matters is what you think about yourself and I'm happy to hear that you have taken steps to figure out what's going on with you.

About 6 years ago I had a massive heart attack and after that I was no longer able to have a child. I had to go on permanent birth control or have my tubes tied and I chose to go on the Depo shot. I gained 15 pounds right away and it was hard. I had horrific mood swings, my face broke out constantly, I hated the person I had become inside and out. I changed to the pill form of it and still had the same problems. I tried the Mirena IUD but it also emits a low dose of the progestin hormone (I can't have estrogen in me anymore due to my heart) and so I had to get off that. When i finally made the decision to get my tubes tied.... and got off that hormone... I dropped the weight instantly and everything went back to normal. My moods, my skin, my hair thickness...everything.

If you would like to talk about what you are going through (I have a cousin with PCOS) you can email me any time!

Kim said...

You ladies are the best :-) Thank you for your words of encouragement.

@Emily - I know you've been struggling with your back, so your in my thoughts & prayers too.

@Kate - I have found some great resources like soulcysters.com, naturallyknockedup.com and ovarian-cysts-pcos.com all of which discuss which hormones to address with what supplements along with what super foods to eat to increase fertility & decrease symptoms of PCOS. I'll update with what I decide on.

Holli - You're too kind. Thank you so much for hanging in there with me even when you don't hear from me for weeks or months! You are in inspiration in a huge way and I need to realize we all have our struggles and they make us who we are today. Thank you for sharing about your heart attack, I can't imagine going through something like that at such a young age. I'm blessed to have made you as a friend :-)

Camille said...

I'm sorry to hear life has thrown you such a crazy curveball. I hear your prayers, I've prayed that same way many times. My thoughts are with you. : )

Magimom said...

Wow... Just stopped by your place for the first time, so sorry to hear that you are dealing with all of this.
When I went into premature menopause at 32 I went through much the same things as you have described. You are certainly in my thoughts and prayers as you deal with these circumstances. And Kate is right - B50 complex all the way baby!

Kristin Kelly said...

Kimmy,
You have always been a good woman of great faith in my eyes. Your prayer shows your faith. I love you I pray blessings be released in your life.