I haven't been much for blogging lately because the things that consume my mind were not really issues I was ready to talk about. I've been struggling so much emotionally and mentally with my body image and overall mood. A year or so ago I was on a low dose of Lexapro which made me feel so much better and much less moody and anxious, but as a result I put on 15 pounds. Jason and I always said that we would want to have a good 5 years together before we started trying to have a family and so last fall I made it my goal to wean myself off of the different medications I was taking like the Lexapro and birth control so I would be in a healthier place. But not long after came this rush of emotional heaviness once again combined with the extra weight and some horrible acne (like 13 year old puberty acne). After a rough few months and a blood test I was finally diagnosed this week with PCOS, which also explains some of the weight gain, the acne and depression I've been dealing with. Of course my doctors immediate response is to put me back on more types of medication to control it, which is the last thing I really want to do. So in my spare time I've been trying to research vitamins, supplements and herbs to rebalance my hormones and get me back on track.
Through all of this I have not been the most fun person to be around. And I feel horrible about it too. My poor husband works so hard pulling double duty by working two full time jobs and I feel like whenever he's around me I'm always stressed, grumpy or irritable. He tries so hard to lift my spirits or make me laugh, and sometimes it really helps and for a moment I forget the mountain looming right in front of me. Sometimes I can't help but think that he got the short end of the deal by choosing me, that I'll never be able to be the wife that he deserves. It doesn't help that now that I've caught the baby bug that I'm so much more aware of how my friends continue to easily get pregnant and have child after child moving on with growing their families. And I for some reason can't help but feel like I'm just struggling to feel normal and have my body for once work right for me.
So there's my honesty in all its glory - I don't have some fluffy and fun blog to post about how life is grand and I'm daydreaming about flowers, puppies, drive-ins and long summer days. Moment by moment my cry is that God would meet me, help me to focus on the positive, love my husband deeply, trust fully, be grateful for everything and keep trying.